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I'm holding back on love

I'm scared to open up. I'm finding it really hard.

And I'm curious to know whether it's because I don't know what's right for me anymore, but a thought came across my mind that perhaps I'm scared to go head first into this is because the more I get involved, the more I will lose, and the more pain there will be.

Or is it because I actually like him? I've known for a while that I go for men that I consider inferior to me to make sure I don't get hurt, people I know I can control to an extent by changing myself and easily hide who I really am.

This is uncharted territory for me. He seems to genuinely like me, he's sensitive and open. Something I think I've desperately needed. And he is intelligent, healthy, good looking, he has emotional intelligence. I want to impress him which is causing me to go into my shell.

I'm scared. I want to communicate but I'm finding the vulnerability terrifying. What if I put myself out there and it's too soon? What if it's just in my head? What if I'm so desperate to be loved and to not be lonely that I'm fooling myself?

I love that I know he needs to have his own time on a Friday night.

I love the way he challenges my instinctual reactions.

I love that he sees through my facade.

I love the way he listens to me, and remembers.

I love that he's sensitive, and he communicates it with me.

I love that he asks me what I want to do.

I love his hair.

I love that he's choosing to come back to be with me.

He's choosing me. He's prioritising me.

I wish this fear would leave me. I am so scared of him finding out that he doesn't really like me. I'm so scared that I'll fall for him and he will hurt me.

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